Filed under: musings
It is just one week short of two years and nine months since I last posted on this blog. A lot has happened. I can hardly remember 2009. In March of 2010 my dad died. I drank nearly every single day from then until August. In the midst of that I had a one night stand with a woman I met on the internet while my wife was away in Turkey for nearly three weeks.
In August of 2010 I quit drinking and went back to AA. Then in September of 2010 the older of my two sisters, both far younger than me, died. I didn’t go back to drinking.
Now it’s the end of 2011. Still not drinking. My marriage is no better than it was two and three quarter years ago. In fact, we tried counseling and my wife quit. She said it was doing no good. I’m thinking we’re getting better, but apparently not. Lately she told me to stop spending my energy trying to improve our relationship. She feels we can be friends but she is not a good wife for me. Furthermore, she doesn’t feel like she was cut out to be a wife or a mother.
I’ve continued to see the counselor on my own. Last few weeks I was sleeping in my daughters room, as she’s now off to college. Since she came home two weeks ago, I’ve been sleeping on the floor in the master bedroom. I don’t want to share a bed with someone who doesn’t want me.
What shall I do now? We still have two boys at home. Finances are not such that either of us can setup in an apartment or another house. I took a new job about three months ago. What shall I do now? I’ve been feeling really depressed. Even occasional suicidal thoughts. I did discuss with my counselor.
I was feeling really low yesterday. I went for a forty minute walk. Listened to a Bebel Gilberto album while walking. Felt marginally better. What will I do today? The more we act like nothing is wrong, other than me sleeping on the floor, the more I feel as if we’re living a lie.
That is a horribly compressed 2.75 years. I looked up this site yesterday but couldn’t bring myself to write anything. I feel somewhat better now that I’ve written this short summary.
Filed under: LoveDare | Tags: anger, anxiety, books, Family, life, marriage, Mindfulness, movies, Personal Development, psychology, reading, relationships, Self Help, self improvement, thoughts
20090331 The Love Dare Day 1
The Dare: For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.
I was doing good with this until late at night when LEB had a major disagreement and misunderstanding. Despite really trying some negative stuff came out.
20090401 The Love Dare Day 2
The Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture of kindness.
LEB and I had a disagreement the night before. I was doing pretty good with this until she wanted us to go somewhere private and talk about a long laundry list of stuff. It all seemed like things I wasn’t doing or was doing poorly or wrong. It seemed like a “pile it on Charles” session. I went with her. I tried to keep it all on track and be non-judgmental and to refrain from being defensive. But some negative stuff slipped out. I did buy her coffee as an act of kindness.
20090402 The Love Dare Day 3
The Dare: Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”
I remembered from the movie Fireproof how the husband didn’t want to do this and bought his wife the cheapest bouquet of flowers he could. That didn’t work. The night before as LEB and I walked downtown to a coffee shop for our discussion she stopped and admired a serving plate in the window of . I went back to the shop and bought her two of the plates and a card. She was extremely touched and open to receiving my gifts. I didn’t really feel like doing this, but I knew that it must be something real and not just a throw away gesture.
20090403 The Love Dare Day 4
The Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.
I called LEB in the middle of the afternoon. She wasn’t feeling well and was at home on the couch, and had just awakened from a nap. She was feeling somewhat better after resting. She didn’t need me to do anything for her. This did lead me to ride along with her to the grocery store in the evening rather than allowing her to go alone as I normally would.
Well, after an amazing end of November and beginning of December the sex has dried up once again. I think we might have had actual intercourse one more time after my last post. Then she got her period. Then I have since learned her Herpes outbreaks came back with a vengence. So, the Sunday after Christmas, before she left on a 3 day trip to the beach with some of her girlfriends she decided to give me a hand job. It was great as hand jobs go, but nothing since. I guess she was feeling sorry for me or wanted to show some understanding of my needs and desire before going away for a few days.
So, we’re headed back to where we were before I wrote What’s wrong? You seem grumpy. How do we break this vicious cycle? Great and frequent sex for a month or two then no sex for months. I’m really not sure how many more times I’m willing to go through this. I have much respect for many, but not all, of the ideas of a writer who has recently published several posts about polyamory. I doubt that our relationship can go that way though.
Filed under: musings | Tags: Family, life, marriage, rants, relationships, sex, thoughts
No sex for months and then BOOM! We made love on Saturday 11/29/2008 and again today. Today I surprised her like she surprised me a while back. She left to take one of the boys to school. While she was gone I showered and greeted her nude on our bed stroking my cock to hardness. Much fun ensued.
The pessimist in me wonders how long this can last. We’ve been down this road before afterall.
Filed under: musings | Tags: Family, life, marriage, rants, relationships, sex, thoughts
My wife to the day off on Tuesday the 25th to begin prep for Thanksgiving. She left the front of the house to go take a shower. After a while she called me and said she was out of the shower. I walked to our bedroom to find her nude on the bed, applying lotion to her body but with a vibrator beside her and her pussy wide open, pink and wet. We had some great sex again. That’s sex on two out of three days. Unfortunately, the next day both of us were sore in muscles we hadn’t used in a while. We conluded that neither of us are in tip top shape for sex! We’ve got to do better. It was still fun, still very good.
Filed under: musings | Tags: Family, life, marriage, rants, sex, thoughts
Yesterday afternoon my wife took our three kids and dropped them off to see Madagascar 2. It’s great that our 10 and 6 year old sons will behave for our 15 year old daughter. She told me it was so we could have some time together. I expected it to be a continuation of our recent discussions.
She came home and went to the bathroom. Imagine my surprise when she came up to the computer room where I was waiting in a berry colored lace badydoll and v-string. She said this is contrived, and a poor attempt at seduction, but we’re going to get naked together for 90 minutes or so. She pulled me bacak towards our bedroom. She started to push me down the hall and then said, no let me go ahead of you so you can see me. This is amazing. One she hates thongs, but knows I like to see her in them and two she’s more of a lights out, long, warm pajamas type usually not one to cavort semi-nude.
So, we get to the room and she has the football game on. I start to turn it off, but she says “No, leave it on. It’s part of the seduction…two of the things you love getting naked and football.” I don’t pay attention to the football though. We had mind blowing sex for the next 90 minutes. Then I got up and went and got the kids.
I publish this in an attempt to be fair and even handed. We’ll have to see if we can use this as a jumping off point to better times.
Filed under: musings | Tags: Family, life, marriage, rants, sex, thoughts
That’s what my wife said yesterday evening, “What’s wrong? You seem grumpy.” What did she expect? We haven’t made love, had sex or whatever term you prefer in months and then she tells me “I have no sexual desire for you or anyone else.”
Wouldn’t it make you grumpy if your significant other with whom you had spent 16+ years told you that? Wouldn’t it make you grumpy if your dog could more reliably count on being hugged and rubbed by your spouse than you could? Wouldn’t it make you grumpy if your spouse fell asleep before you did 90%+ of the time no matter what time the two of you got up?
After I told her why I was grumpy she just walked off. After a few minutes I went and asked her why she asked me the question if she was just going to walk off. Thereafter a very uncomfortable discussion ensued. We didn’t get all angry and loud, but it was uncomfortable and was mostly a rehashing of old injuries, real or imagined, with no progress made or understanding reached.
She even brought up the D word, divorce. However, she brought it up like this “If you think we need to be apart or you want a divorce then let’s talk about it and see what we have to do…” What kind of shit is that. If I want, she was the one in the summer of 2007 who told me she didn’t know if we would be together next year. If I want.
I don’t have anywhere to go. I have no close friendships left. We can barely keep things going financially together let alone if we had two households. What would happen to the kids? This whole thing is crazy.
Filed under: musings | Tags: Family, life, marriage, rants, sex, thoughts
That’s what my wife told me Thursday morning. Or maybe it was “I don’t feel like having sex with you or anyone else.” She has herpes. That is a painful disease. I understand that. I understand her not wanting to pass it on to me. She has been having extremely heavy menstrual periods and getting herpes sores immediately thereafter. This has been going on for months but she didn’t tell me until Thursday. In the meantime I’m left wondering what the hell is going on and complaining on this more or less anonymous blog.
But it is not just the physical stuff. She has no desire for me on anyone, or so she claims. Wednesday on the way home she asked me to buy her a copy or two of Playboy. She likes the pictures in Playboy as opposed to the raunchy pictures of say a Juggs, Voluptuous, or Blacktail magazine, which I prefer. Maybe she’s bi-curious if not a closet bisexual or lesbian. I would never really know because she doesn’t really talk to me about any deep feelings.
Anyway, I go to Barnes & Noble and pick up the latest issue of Playboy, December Holiday issue, and a Playboy special, Voluptuous Vixens. As our conversation in the car on the way home seemed to indicate that she wanted to do something to thaw our frozen sex life. But during the conversation I had told her that yes, I knew it had been 3 or more months since we last had sex – as she claims to not know how long it has been. I also said that I have practically given up hope of having a frequent perhaps adventurous and highly erotic sex life. I’v'e been trying to concentrate on other things instead of dwelling on what I can’t have at least not with her.
This seemed to either make her mad or take any faint spark of sex out of her. She didn’t look at the magazines I spent $18 on, the prices sure have increased. Nor did she invite me to look at them with her. She just went to sleep. And then blam, the next morning I get the no desire at all speech. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Filed under: musings
I don’t write here much. And when I do, it’s usually about something gone wrong or a rant. Anway, another seven weeks have passed w/ no sex. Last time I wrote, seven weeks ago, I had gotten a reluctant hand job from my wife. It’s no better now. It could be anywhere from 4 to 6 or maybe even 7 months since we had sex. I really can’t remember when it was. And it seems that I didn’t record it here. Oh well.
Filed under: musings | Tags: Family, happiness, life, marriage, psychology, relationships, thoughts
I haven’t written much on this blog. It’s been more about ranting than seeking. I’ll try to get it together.
In my last post I talked about my sexual frustration. It began last Saturday when my wife took a long bath with candles. That’s usually an indication that she’s up for some sex. But I had to stay up and dressed to go pick up our daughter from the movies. She fell asleep. I still came home and took a shower cause she likes it more when we’re both freshly clean. She didn’t wake up despite my snuggling.
Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I continued with taking showers before bed. I continued with snuggling. I finally got a little bit of a response on Tuesday. But then she withdrew. I asked if she was feeling okay. She said yes, but if you mean do I feel like having sexual intercourse no. She proceeded to give me a hand job. I can do that shit myself. Sometimes that can be a nice change of pace, but when you really want to go all the way it’s frustrating.
Here we are and it’s Saturday again. I had my knee surgery two days ago. She snuggled up to me this morning. She’s been taking good care of me the last couple of days. But something happened and she’s angry. I can see it on her face and in the way she moves. I directly asked her about it, but she won’t talk. It started with the boys bugging her about when breakfast would be ready, but that is not all. I asked if it was something I had done, she said no, but would not elaborate.
I asked her what she was going to do for herself today. Not for the house or the family, just something for herself. Something fun. She looked at me like as if I was from some other planet. The best she could come up with was maybe going to get her hair cut. It’s like she’s lost herself being a wife and mother, but she’s not really trying to reclaim herself either. So she walks around with this pent up anger and frustration that spills over with little warning and little cause on anyone in the way.
I want our marriage, our relationship to continue and grow. But it seems the more I reach out, the more she pulls back. The more I do, the less it is appreciated. I’m not sure what to do.
